


Inchoate Reflection

by Voido



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: 358/2 Days rewrite, M/M, alternative timeline-ish, hinted SoRiku, no xion, slightly canon but slightly not
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2018-11-01 16:22:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10925532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voido/pseuds/Voido
Summary: There was no way Roxas could be as good as the boy he resembled, unwillingly copied and tore apart bit by bit. But that didn't mean he wouldn't try.





	1. Purpose

**Author's Note:**

> For a good friend of mine who started liking this ship in the same weird, thrilling kind of way that I do because of some fan art. :3

Filling a notebook with events of the day was not one of his biggest strengths. Roxas had known that from the first day on, yet Lord Xemnas insisted on him keeping it updated whenever possible. Usually, this _whenever possible_ meant _after exhausting hours of collecting hearts._

The concept of a _heart_ was a complete mystery to Roxas, like most of the things he encountered in his life. What exactly were they, why did he have to collect them, and why _him_ out of everyone? What made him special enough to carry out a mission he did not understand and was not interested in? Even now, after work, thinking about what he would write in his journal later, all of these questions bugged him permanently.

“Why don't you do it?” he asked Axel, who was sitting right next to him on the clock tower. They had been meeting here in the evenings quite frequently, eating ice cream together. According to the redhead, a treat after work was _the icing on the cake_. Roxas did not remember ever having cake, just like he didn't remember anything else, so he wouldn't know if the icing was the best part. But he did know that having ice cream with someone sure was better than fighting, so he figured that much.

“If only anything you ever said made proper sense,” Axel teased him as a response. It was true, Roxas had only asked the part of the question that came up on his mind last, so obviously it would not make sense to anyone but himself.

“Collect the hearts, I mean. You guys are all eager to get them, right? I don't understand why I have to do it then.”

“I've told you that before: Because you're the only one who can.”

Sighing, he gave up. It was true, they had had the same conversation twice already, and it had always ended the same way as it did right now. _You're the only one who can_ seemed like a fitting enough explanation at first, but in the end, it just wasn't enough to him. No one had ever given him, _him_ , a reason to fight for anything that the other members of Organization XIII wanted. It was their concern and their wish to _collect hearts and complete Kingdom Hearts._

But what even was Kingdom Hearts, and what did it mean to actually _have_ a heart? How were the people who did any different from him and the others, and why was it important?

As every time he tried to get a sense out of it all, he failed and ended up with a bad headache.

Most of the things happening in his life had started to make sense after a few days, but this definitely wasn't part of those. As for now, that didn't matter though, as he would obey and fulfill his tasks anyway. Why? Because there was not much else he could do.

He had no real memories of his past self, so seeking answers for his own existence was nonsense. He had nothing and no one to return to, and the castle had become his home before he had even known what _home_ meant.

The only thing that made him remember anything was sitting on the clock tower with Axel, a friend, and enjoying the sun set slowly to end another day.

“Hey, Roxas?”

“Mh?”

Axel stared at him funnily, eyebrows raised, then asked: “Are you really sure that you don't already _have_ a heart?”

A frown formed on Roxas's forehead. What kind of question was that supposed to be? As he had been thinking earlier, he didn't even know what a heart really was, let alone if he had one.

“I don't know. But...if there _was_ something here,” he pointed to his own chest, “wouldn't I...well...feel it?”

It was not that he felt completely empty, but most of what could be considered feelings inside him rather seemed like thoughts. The thought of getting off work to sit here. Of course it was nice, but that was what his head was telling him, right? He didn't feel anything in his chest when he thought about that.

It took a while, but then Axel frowned again and nodded slowly.

“Yeah. You're probably right.”

None of them said another world while they finished their ice cream and silently decided to go back home. It was definitely the weirdest, most uncommon talk they had had since Roxas could remember, and he was a bit confused where it had come from.

They got back to the castle in the same manner as always, heading to their rooms, each occupied with their own thoughts. This life had become a routine already.

Wake up, do missions, have ice cream with Axel, then get home and write a summary of all that in his journal and finally, go to sleep and rest for the new day.

It was dull and boring, and Roxas decided that if he _could_ indeed feel anything, he would feel _unsatisfied_ with this situation.

He found himself staring out of the window, looking for words to write down, then decided to just write down the first thing coming up in this mind:

_I wish anything had a purpose._


	2. On Your Own

Nothing ever seemed to have a purpose in this world of perfect nothingness. With every morning Roxas awoke from his slumber, be it dreamless or filled with weird pictures, he learned that all over. Again and again.

There was but one singular thing that would change from today on, and it was something that would make his life even duller than it already was.

“From now on, you will carry out your missions on your own,” Saïx told him as soon as he entered the meeting room, and Roxas was not sure if he was happy about it or not.

On one hand, it meant not being watched over permanently, which was definitely an improvement, especially considering company like Larxene – who was absolutely insane – or Demyx – who was an annoying freak.

On the other hand though, it meant having to be able to take care of himself in all situations, even tricky and dangerous ones. He wasn't weak, but didn't feel strong enough to face everything alone yet either, and kinda wished he'd at least get some missions with Axel to keep him company.

Was that a weird thing to think for a nobody? After all, he did not have a heart, so why did this emotional thought of wanting support from someone he considered a friend come up? 

“Okay,” he answered simply and left the castle right away. Saïx was probably Roxas's least favorite member of the Organization so far, as he was a control freak, yet only Lord Xemnas's lackey. A snob, maybe, even though Roxas would never dare saying that out loud.  
  


His first mission for the day required him to go to a world named _Halloween Town_. He had been there once or twice, and still did not understand the concept of the name giving event called _Halloween_. Apparently, during Halloween you have to look as frightening and scary as possible, making your friends scream in fear.

“Why would I want my friends to be afraid of me?” he asked himself loudly, yet didn't have the time to find an answer because a horde of shadows crawled his way. They were weak and inexperienced even to him, the current embodiment of weakness and inexperience in the Organization. They often attacked him in hordes of only them, but this time, they were accompanied by three soldiers. What a fitting name for those armor-wearing, freaklike creatures. He slayed one of them, then watched its heart rise up to the sky to join Kingdom Hearts. 

Should he feel sorry for the person this heart belonged to? Was he even able to feel sorry for anyone without a heart of his own? Never would he find out if slaying a heartless helped the person who was turned into it or hurt them more.

Even though the rest of the heartless attacked five at a time, they were a piece of cake as well. Dumb, maybe naive and driven by instinct. Roxas knew he was a lot stronger than them, yet he needed way more training to keep up with the big fish.

His target in this world was a gigantic heartless that looked like the mixture of a fountain and a spider, spat a bilious green secretion and growled at him when he arrived. And that seemed to be its nicest attributes by far.

“Did it have to be something like this on day one?” Roxas mumbled and felt anger crawl up inside him. At least he thought that it was anger, as he felt the urge to hit Saïx with his keyblade once he returned for sending him on such a mission on his first day alone. That was another thing he would never say out loud though.

The heartless didn't give him any kind of opening for starters, so he kept evading the secretion and the kicks coming from eight legs at once. He knew it would soon wear him out if he didn't find a way to at least attack it at all. He had to risk something if he wanted to win, right?

The monster's body shape seemed to make it hard for it to do sharp turns, so Roxas decided to start running in circles. To his own surprise, it actually worked and he managed to get up to the heartless's back and deal a few powerful hits before it detected where exactly he was standing and how it could hit him.

He dodged a little too late, resulting in one of the legs sending him flying a good twenty meters. His landing didn't go too gracefully, but he didn't have time to care about that. He needed to keep cornering the fiend like this, always attacking a different spot on its body.

Hitting the legs was useless, he found out soon, as they were harder than rocks. The weirdly-shaped body seemed to be the only weak spot it had, and it took Roxas a decent amount of time to get back there whenever he needed to dodge after being located.

The battle was repetitive and tiring, but the heartless was definitely becoming weaker, leaving more openings and countering less frequently.

When it finally gave in, roaring loudly and disappearing, leaving only the big heart to float up, Roxas felt himself become dizzy, tired. The adrenaline had kept him from noticing it, but he was completely done for. He knew Saïx expected him to carry out two more missions today, but he couldn't care less and let himself drop on the floor and unconscious.

  


When he awoke again, Roxas found himself not on the ground in Halloween Town, but on his bed in the castle. How he had got here was a mystery, but he knew Saïx and Lord Xemnas wouldn't be too happy with him for failing to do more than one mission today.

It was stupid, though! How could they expect him to be able to defeat such a foe on his own already? He hadn't fought anything this strong even with the other members around. Thinking he could do even more than that in one day was completely ridiculous.

He found himself frowning, pouting and then just stopped. Why did he even bother with this emotional mess he didn't even think was real? He was a nobody. No heart, no emotions. No right to exist in this form. It was like a ritual Lord Xemnas had been repeating all over on the day Roxas came here, like some sort of order that mustn't be broken.

“But if I don't have memories and don't know what it was like to be...how can I feel these emotions?”

“Told ya you're special, pal!”

“Axel!”

He almost jumped out of the bed when the redhead entered the room with a big goofy grin on his face.

“That's me, I guess. Man, carrying you here really wasn't any fun at all. Next time best don't pass out after a fight, you know?”

Roxas felt his cheeks turn pink and looked away, out of the window. Axel seemed cheerful enough, but that didn't mean that trouble wasn't waiting.

“I bet Saïx and Lord Xemnas aren't too happy about it, huh?”

“You'd think. Saïx didn't say a word though and Xemnas didn't seem all-too disappointed, either. They probably didn't even expect you to be able to pull this off, let alone return on your own.”

He blinked a few times, frowned again and then turned his head back to Axel. Did that mean they had willingly accepted the possibility of him dying in that fight? That was not only a completely awful way to treat someone, but also made him wonder again if they really needed him as badly as they pretended to.

“So they fully expected me to fail and die there? How comforting.”

“Nah, they wouldn't have let that happen. They had Xigbar watch over you, I think. But he was kinda too stubborn to carry you back here, so I volunteered. Figured that'd be better than leaving it to like...Larxene.”

He shivered at the thought of that witch coming close to him when he was unconscious. She was evil and brutal, not one on whose bad side you'd want to get. Having to carry him here would've probably made her kill him.

“Yeah, I guess that wouldn't have been too nice. Thanks.”

It was slightly embarrassing, being so dependent on others' help, but Axel seemed pretty chill about it.

“Saïx said you should stay here for today and rest up for your next missions. Make sure to also get some food, though. I gotta leave now, so later!”

With that he left before Roxas had the chance to even say anything. He let out a deep sigh, closing his eyes. Half a free day right on his first day on his own. How very encouraging...not.  
  


Hopefully the others wouldn't be around when he left his room. He really didn't feel like facing them at all today. Someone would surely mock him. Larxene would tell him to properly die next time. Xigbar would ask him if he slept well in the most mocking kind of way. Vexen would probably just be sad Roxas hadn't died to be a good new experiment sample.

He didn't know these people well yet, but thinking about the few things he _did_ know, he wasn't sure he wanted to.

On first sight though, no one seemed to be around. Not knowing how long that would last though, Roxas sneaked some food out of their kitchen-like room next to the meeting room. Sometimes he wondered who provided the food, then realized there had to be _some_ things Demyx was good for, and fighting or thinking sure weren't any of those.

Suddenly, Roxas felt the desperate need to get some ice cream. He wasn't sure why, but he thought that deep inside, it possibly reminded him of his past without him realizing it.

Either way he sure wouldn't dare leaving the castle now. Being allowed to stay here was one thing, but he'd surely get in trouble for sneaking of and enjoying himself. Especially if Saïx, the epitome of _being in a foul mood_ , found out about that. No, Roxas would definitely not risk that.

He remembered a conversation he had once had with Demyx about free days and how they were supposed to be the best thing ever. How entirely stupid, he thought. What was he even supposed to do all day long if he didn't have anything to do? Axel had once said that he needed a _hobby_ , and when Roxas had frowned in return, not knowing what that was supposed to be, explained that a hobby was something one liked to do on a regular basis. Like Demyx annoying people with his sitar or Zexion constantly running around with a book in his hands.

But Roxas wasn't interested in any of those things. The only thing he thought he might _like_ was having ice cream and watching the sun set, and that was out of the question for now.

So what should he do? Wandering around the castle wasn't an option either, as he would probably get lost or in trouble for sneaking around. For now, he decided to go back to his room and immortalize the memories of this day in his diary.

_Day 21: Today I carried out my first solo mission..._

Little did he know that the feeling of deep sadness flowing through him uncontrolledly for merely a second was neither his imagination nor even his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Around day 16~21 is the time when Sora defeats Ansem SoD and Riku and Mickey get left behind in the world of darkness.


	3. None Is Yours

While his twenty-second day at the Organization went relatively well – he had carried out his missions alone again, this time without fainting or needing any help with an enemy – Roxas was to be shocked again at the twenty-third.

“I won't be around for a while, yo.”

Axel and he had finally found the time to share ice cream again, after a few days of different, awful schedules. Roxas frowned of the statement and stopped in his tracks. _I must look stupid,_ he thought while realizing that he was still in the motion of taking a bite from his ice cream. He lowered the stick so it almost touched his coat, then said:

“Where will you be?”

He looked at Axel with a frown. The thought of being disappointed crossed his mind, maybe even hurt. But that had to be imagination, since he was a nobody. And nobodies didn't have emotions.

“Can't tell.”

“Huh?”

The feeling, the _thought_ intensified, even though that made absolutely no sense. Maybe though, Roxas figured, it was some sort of inner instinct. Axel was the only person in the Organization he would put trust in, and losing him, even if temporarily, meant losing the only one he could ask for advice or just hang out with. It did sound rational enough.

“Ya see, it's kind of a dumb job anyway, alongside Marluxia and the others. No sense in bothering you with something like that, man!”

It was a lie, but Roxas just nodded without even looking up from his ice cream. Weirdly enough, even though he couldn't stand anyone else from the Organization, it still seemed to bother him in some way that he was going to be excluded.

“Bet that leaves me with my best friend Saïx, huh?” he muttered to no one in particular, and only registered that he had said it out loud when Axel laughed.

“Damn that stiff, uptight meanie, huh? He's sure giving you a hard time.”

“What have I ever done to him, though? He always looks at me as if I had killed his puppy!”

Axel laughed again, but Roxas noticed that it sounded a bit off, maybe bitter. He never questioned his friend's emotional outbursts, because apparently, if you remembered how it was like to feel them, then that was almost the same thing as actually feeling it.

“I guess he does.”

They spent the rest of the evening in silence.

 

To Roxas's disappointment, he found the others had already left when he entered the meeting room the next morning. Saïx was still here though, as were Xigbar and Demyx. _Three_ facts he was anything but happy about.

He wasn't sure if all of the others had left for that weird place that was being kept secret from him, but he was absolutely sure everyone but him knew what that place was. It was like they had secrets only he was not allowed to know about, and he wasn't sure if it really had anything to do with how new he was.

Before he could just ask Saïx for his missions though, Xigbar apparently felt the need to share his thoughts on the new-found emptiness in the castle.

“Isn't it nice here with those loudmouths gone, eh?”

Roxas decided not to answer because all he had on his mind would probably get him into serious trouble. It was definitely not worth it.

His missions were absolutely no different from any other day. It was seemingly true that he was the only one who could do the things he did, even though it left him wondering what the others even did all day.

_Maybe,_ he thought to himself,  _they're just using me and relaxing in some really comfortable place._

If he were able to actually feel emotion, envy would flood his heart right now. Not that he wanted to not do anything all day long, but not being forced to be in this weird castle in this weird world he knew nothing about actually sounded quite nice.

But nothing had changed in this place, and nothing ever would.

 

Having ice cream alone just wasn't the same at all.

It didn't take Roxas long to really understand and accept that, but somehow he couldn't keep himself from getting back up to the clock tower and hoping Axel would show up sooner or later.

But the most interesting thing that happened were some people running to reach their train or some kids playing around with a skateboard – and even that wasn't very entertaining.

“Maybe I _should_ get some sort of hobby?” he wondered and looked at his ice cream stick. Axel had suggested it, so maybe it was something that could actually keep him occupied and not bored whenever there was nothing to do around the castle.

What kind of hobby was he supposed to have, though? He didn't have friends and didn't really know much about sports or other activities. The only thing he'd been longing for all the time since his birth was listening to the sound of the waves on the beach.

“Just where does this wish come from?” he asked himself, not expecting an answer whatsoever. It was like a desire that would probably hit right where his heart should be – if he had one.

He found himself pouting just a little bit, staring at the sunset. Why did it seem so much like he could actually _feel_ things? Because what was going through his mind all this time heavily felt like what Axel had described feelings to be.

It wasn't like Roxas thought he _did_ in fact have a heart – because he couldn't know, he didn't know the difference. But sometimes he wondered if everything the others told him was actually true or if they were lying to him for reasons he did not understand.

“Maybe I should just do it,” he figured and got up to head back to the castle.

 

It took Roxas two days to realize he didn't even know how to _get_ to any kind of beach. Maybe it was a special kind of world that his mind longed for, but he wasn't able to pin it down. Where could he start?

His missions were boring, _tedious_ and the raging desire to just leave everything behind didn't make it better. He had to stop this, no matter how.

Everything he was forced to do was repetitive. Defeat heartless, collect hearts. Defeat stronger heartless, collect even more hearts. Would this forever be the only purpose in his life?

The day ended just the same as the last one, and Roxas found himself at the clock tower without even thinking about it. He was starting to feel sick, and somehow it had hardly anything to do with what, in his head, came so scarily close to emotions.

It was like feelings he couldn't understand, couldn't connect to anything that had happened to him today or ever, overwhelmed his mind; twisted, confusing, shattering his mind.

And only when he felt his body hit the ground, thoughts and emotions and a sort of heat he didn't understand flooding his every being, he realized that none of this was supposed to even be his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sora enters Castle Oblivion at day 25. Day 26 is when Roxas falls into a deep sleep due to Sora's memories being changed.


	4. Pieces of Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It didn't take that long this time, yay!  
> The chapter got a little longer than the last one, I think, and I suppose this is kind of the length I'm going to try and keep up. Thanks for reading. ;~;

The first and only dream Roxas remembered when he woke up was one of a boy getting in some sort of white capsule. It was blurry and made no sense at all, vanishing only to leave the voice of a girl saying: _“I knew I'd find you snoozing down here.”_

Roxas sat up, immediately holding his head because it hurt. “Sora? Kai...Kairi?” he asked himself, even though he had no idea who either of these people were supposed to be. For some reason though, it only made sense to him that the brunette boy in his dream had been Sora, and the chiding voice belonged to a girl named Kairi.

“How long have I been out?” he asked no one in particular before getting up from his bed. He had trouble standing on his legs, indicating it had in fact been a long time since he had last used them.

The meeting room was entirely empty except for Saïx, which of course was Roxas's luck again. The second in command didn't really look too happy – then again when did he – upon seeing the number 13 enter the room.

“I see you woke again. I did not imagine you would.”

_I missed you, too, grumpy_ , Roxas thought even though he obviously hadn't missed Saïx ever in his life, and would also never dare to say  this o ut loud.

“How long has it been then?” he asked and looked around the room, still surprised that no one else was here. 

“Twenty-four days.”

He blinked once, twice and felt himself shaking his head. That was...almost as long as the time he had been part of the Organization  _before_ falling asleep.

“I see. Where is everyone?”

“Doing their missions, obviously, which you by the way should get back to as well, as soon as possible.”

He chose to ignore the spiteful tone and just nodded at that, no matter how much he wanted to summon his keyblade and start a fight. It was a weird desire he kept noticing since the day he had first met Saïx, just that it was getting more intense with every single day.

“I'll be on my way.”

 

Roxas did not go on any missions on any of the next days. There were plenty of reasons for him to skip anyway, but usually the thought of being turned into a dusk was scary enough to make him obey. This, although, was too much.

“ _Obliterated? What are you talking about?!”_

Just the thought of Saïx's arrogant, self-righteous face made him want to destroy something, but he didn't. None of the things in his room were actually his own belongings, but nonetheless the only ones he could call _his_.

“ _Do I need to repeat myself? The members who have been sent on a special mission have been struck down and erased in battle. That is all you must know.”_

“ _It's not! You're lying! Tell me where they were! Tell me what happened!”_

But Saïx had ignored him and disappeared. Roxas was unable to cope with what was going on in his head. While his rationality tried to make him understand that he was a _nobody_ , thus not supposed to feel any kind of emotion, his heart – or the spot where it should be – spat out hatred and anger like a blazing fire, causing him to punch the wall right next to his room's door, even though he knew it wouldn't change a thing.

“Axel...you didn't die, did you? You couldn't have...”

There was nothing he cared less about right now than collecting hearts, so he did the thing that felt most natural and went to their usual spot, the clock tower in the world of constant afterglow.

It was the same as every time he came here alone – different, wrong, and he couldn't stop feeling like this wasn't the place he was supposed to be at. He stared at the trains passing by, closed his eyes and felt like he heard the ocean waves in the back of his mind, calling for him desperately, so close, yet so far away.

He opened his eyes and shook his head. None of this was real. None of this _could_ be real. If he really had a past like Axel and the others did, why should he be the only one who couldn't remember it, or at least not properly?

“Isn't there anyone who can help me stop this?”

Of course there wasn't a reply, and with Axel gone, Roxas wasn't sure if he would ever get any.

 

For some reason, Saïx didn't show up on the next day at all, which left Roxas to himself. No one else was around, which of course wasn't surprising, considering how half of the Organization was supposed to be…

No.

He just couldn't bring himself to think it. None of this made sense. Not staring at the sofas in the meeting room, not wondering if there was a reason to keep on fighting. Should he just give up?

“ _I'm so sorry for all of this.”_

He turned around, shocked and scared, because he had definitely heard a voice there. It reminded him of the girl named Kairi he had heard upon waking up, but wasn't the same.

“Who's there?!” he found himself asking, almost screaming, even though there clearly wasn't anyone in the room. What was happening here? Was this voice speaking to him in his head?

“ _Roxas...can you keep a secret?”_

He frowned, not sure what that was supposed to mean. He didn't know this person, so why would she tell him a secret and why would he feel obligated to keep it?

Nonetheless, he found himself nodding slightly, then realized he wasn't sure if she could see him somehow.

“I think so.”

Whoever this was, and for whatever reason she wanted him to keep a secret for him, it could only be better than everything he had left in this place. Grumpy old people telling him what to do and using him. No, he didn't want that.

“It won't be long until they find me here.”

This time, he knew she was here. He swung around again, only this time he wasn't greeted by nothingness. There was actually someone there, standing a few meters from him.

She looked insecure, cautious, hands folded in front of her body, but she was smiling slightly.

“Hello, Roxas.”

“Who...are you?”

She hung her head, as if she were at least remotely disappointed that he didn't know that, but other than the connection to Kairi, he didn't think he knew anything about her.

“My name is Naminé. I am not supposed to be here, but...I can help you go to the place you're longing for.”

He shook his head, but realized that she probably did know about it, and better than he did himself, so found himself nodding eventually.

“I don't even know where it is, or why this desire is taking over so much lately. It's just...there. And I really want to go, but...How do you know about that?”

She shook her head slightly, before turning away and raising her arm, opening a corridor of darkness.

“I can't stay long enough to explain that. You will eventually understand. Find the place where you once belonged, and things will start making sense. I promise.”

He wanted to object, but realized it wouldn't be fair. She helped him a lot already, by just granting him this wish. Of course, who knew if she was fooling him into something? He had no reason to trust this girl, yet it felt like the only logical thing to do.

“Thanks, Naminé,” was the only thing he said before entering the corridor to look for what occupied his mind. Water as blue as the sky, sand as golden as the sun.

What greeted him on the other side was so much more than just that.

Whatever his expectation had truly been before seeing this, it couldn't have possibly been even half as good as what he actually found.

 

The sand creaked softly under his shoes, the sun shone brightly over the glistening sea, waves calmly caressed the shores. A gentle breeze wafted through his hair, and the smell of salty water tickled in his nose.

_It's perfect_ , was the only thing he could think off, even though the concept of perfection was entirely unknown to him.

All the things that had been on his mind since joining the Organization, be it a reason to live, a reason to fight for them or even just the question who he actually was...all of them immediately vanished into nothingness as long as he could stare  at the resplendent horizon.

He made his way over a bridge to a very small, second island-like structure with an awkwardly shaped tree on it. The fruit, unlike the coconuts hanging from every other tree, were shaped like a star with leaves on it, but no way would Roxas try to tear one of them of. All was good as it was.

Sitting down on the tree, he was actually able to make out the schemes of another, bigger island somewhat far ahead, but probably reachable with something like a boat.

_This is where the three of them live, right?_

He shook his head, confused by his own thought. The three of them? Out of all things, it entirely made sense to him that Sora and Kairi lived here, but where did the thought of a third person come from? Neither had he seen someone else in his dream, nor was there any name left in his head that filled the blank. It definitely wasn't Naminé, that much he knew.

_Just why is it like I've been here forever, yet at the same time never?_

Naminé had said that things would start making sense, but to be entirely honest, everything only got more confusing, now that Roxas was here. The place he had been longing for, the place he was able to call home.

“But is it really _my_ home?”

“That's a good question, impostor.”

He jumped to his feet and flung around, only to see someone dressed in a coat just like his. But for all Roxas knew, he was not part of the Organization.

“Look who's talking! You're the one wearing one of our coats! Who are you?!”

But neither did he get an answer, nor did he really have the time to even summon his keyblade before being struck down and pinned to the stoney ground by yet another keyblade being hold dangerously close to his throat.

“I wonder which of his memories you stole to find this place.”

What was he supposed to say or ask? A million questions flooded his mind. Why did this boy, hardly taller than him, yet so much stronger, have a keyblade? Up until now, Roxas had believed himself to be the only one being able to wield it, because that had been all everyone had been telling him.

And at the same time, he didn't understand the accusation at all. Steal someone's memories? Was that even possibly? And even if so, then he surely wouldn't know how.

“I have no idea what you're talking about! I'm not a thief, and none of what you're saying makes any kind of sense, Riku!”

He flinched at his own words, and he saw the boy flinching, too, before backing away.

“And you're telling me you didn't steal his memories, huh?”

But Roxas didn't listen anymore. He felt almost comatose, and even more, scared. _Riku._ Now that he had said it, it only made sense. This boy, even though his face was hidden, was definitely Riku. It was in his voice, in the way he spoke, that Roxas had noticed it.

But _how?_ He knew absolutely no one named Riku, he knew absolutely no one overall, because all of his memories and everything that might have once belonged to him seemed to be _lost_!

“I did _not_ steal anything! I don't know why my head is so certain that you're Riku, but it is. I cannot get anything in order right now, but that doesn't give you the right to attack me like that!”

He got back to his feet, and backed away just a little more to be safe. This time, he would summon his keyblade in time, but as long as Riku stood there shocked, seemingly not attacking, Roxas wouldn't provoke anything.

“First a thief, now a liar, too. Maybe I should put an end to you before all of this can get even further out of hand.”

This time, Roxas was prepared, and had summoned his keyblade just in time to block the hit coming at him. However, he immediately knew that he was going to lose eventually. He'd been comatose for weeks and only doing a few missions some days ago before going on a strike and just staying in the castle.

“You're weaker than I thought. What a waste of time.”

“I might be...weak!”

He managed to fight back enough to push Riku away from him, even if not far.

“But unlike you, I still have a conscience. And it's telling me you're on the wrong side!”

Expecting another attack, he kept his guard up, but instead, but instead, Riku just lowered his keyblade.

“I've heard these words before, months ago. Do you remember that?”

Roxas blinked. Once, twice, before shaking his head. Heard them before? What was that supposed to mean?

“I don't understand anything you're talking about! I'm...”

But instead of trying to explain himself, he figured that losing this fight and dying here _now_ was even worse than being turned into a dusk by Lord Xemnas one day.

He made best use of the small time frame Riku's confusion gave him, and left the island through another corridor of darkness.

 

Even hours later, when Roxas was sitting on his bed again, still overwhelmed by all that had happened today, he was unable to get Riku's words out of his head.

“ _I wonder which of his memories you stole to find this place.”_

He already had a headache from thinking this sentence over all the time, yet no explanation came in mind.

And then there was also Naminé, who had sent him to this place with only generous thoughts behind it – so he chose to believe – but hadn't given any reason for it either.

Had it been a trap after all?

_I'm so sorry for all of this,_ she had said. For all of what though? What had she done to him? Was she the one responsible for all of this, and what even was  _all of this_ to begin with?

It was no use, Roxas decided. Whatever was going on here, he needed to get stronger. If he trained enough, he might be able to win a fight against Riku, and then he would be the one standing, asking the questions.

But for now, the only thing he was left with was deep despair, and a single tear silently finding its way down his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The part about Riku being on the wrong side, which he claims to have heard before, is part of what Sora says to him after he kidnapped Pinocchio.


	5. New Directions

Roxas spent two full weeks on permanent training. While going back to carrying out his missions, he still didn't trust anyone around the castle, but if he wanted answers, he had to do at least enough to not get turned into a dusk. And that included collecting hearts.

He had thought about trying to call out for Naminé, as she was apparently able to contact him and sense his thoughts from far away. Maybe she even watched over him.

But he remembered how scared she had been of being found here, and that trying to find her would probably just get both of them in trouble.

Was it better to wait? If she was able to sense what was going through his mind, then maybe she would reach for him again as soon as she had the chance to. But what if she didn't? He did not plan on spending his entire life here, especially not after what had happened to the others on their special mission…

He decided to let this day go as well as he had the precious ones. Train, think about what to do next. There was hardly anything else he could do.

However, he was met with a surprise upon entering the meeting room. At first, he thought it was probably a weird dream. But dreams were never this realistic, and in a dream, he would probably never have been as aware of his shock as he was right there.

“Axel?!”

He shouted it a lot louder and also a lot more aggressively than he could've ever wanted to, but whatever was happening here did not want to make any kind of sense in his head.

The redhead turned around, a goofy smile formed on his lips and if he were able to feel emotion, Roxas would've said he _felt_ the hatred on Saïx's mind in this very second.

“Roxas, buddy! It's been a while, huh?!”

Axel was cheerful as always...no, that wasn't true. For some reason, Roxas _knew_ that he was lying. The wide grin, the happy-sounding words...none of it was honest. Axel was mad, furious even, at least as much as he was able to remember these emotions from his past. While he was obviously not mad at Roxas, that still didn't change that he was playing a role. And Roxas hated it.

“Where have you been?!” he demanded to know, but didn't get an answer. Instead, Axel pulled him out of the room playfully, as if nothing had ever happened.

“Long story, man! I'll tell you over some ice cream one of these days...or maybe not, haha! I'm not allowed to talk about it, you know?”

“Saïx said all of you had been…,” and he would hate the thought of even just remembering the word, if he could hate, “ _obliterated”._

For some weird reason that Roxas didn't get, Axel laughed. And it wasn't a sheepish or apologizing kind of laugh. He actually seemed amused.

“Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what they were thinking as well.” He summoned a corridor of darkness. “I'll accompany you on your missions today, so you finally turn that frown...upside down!”

It wasn't funny, but Roxas cracked a smile at how hard Axel actually tried to cheer him up. He really was a true friend, and maybe that was the main issue here.

Carrying out their missions together had actually been kind of refreshing, and it also gave Roxas more time to get lost in his thoughts.

All the evil gazes Saïx had given him. All the times his missions had been ridiculously hard for a single person, especially _himself_ , the newest and probably weakest member of the Organization – Demyx excluded.

Was that the reason for it all? Had Axel and Saïx once been really good friends? It didn't really work out on Roxas's watch, but he also didn't know how different they were from how they had been before being turned into nobodies.

He was thinking about just asking Axel about it, but when they finally found themselves on the clock tower, each with ice cream in their hands, something stopped him. Maybe he wouldn't even get an answer anyway. Maybe it was rude to ask. So before he could go the wrong way, he asked another thing he had been wondering about.

“Hey, Axel?”

“Hm?”

“This might sound weird, but...have you ever met a girl named Naminé?”

He didn't need to answer. The way he flinched, frowned and was obviously at a loss for words was already enough. He did know her, and probably wouldn't spill a single thing.

“I see.”

“What makes you ask that?”

The cheerfulness was mostly gone, although Axel didn't seem mad or angry at Roxas. If he had to describe it with any word, it would probably be _worried._

And without wanting to, without actively planning it, Roxas did the first thing that came to his mind.

“I saw her in one of my dreams.”

He _lied._

If he could feel, he would feel terrible, and thoughts of apologizing and saying the truth crossed his mind, while he watched the ice cream melt painfully slowly in his hands. This wasn't right. Axel was his friend, wasn't he? Why was he lying to him?

“In a dream?”

“Yeah. It's really confusing, but I thought maybe I...maybe I have met her in one of my first days of joining? I don't remember much of those.”

That was at least not entirely wrong, as Naminé _did_ know about Roxas, so maybe they indeed had met before somewhere.

“No, no, that's not it...Roxas, you shouldn't tell anyone about this. At least not yet.”

_Not yet._ Did that mean that at some point, he should? He didn't really feel like telling any of the others about this at all, and it automatically had him do the next thing that just came to his mind.

“Who would I tell about it anyways? You're the only one I trust.”

He _manipulated._

And the worst part about it was that he did so _actively._ He knew that Axel's face would brighten up, that he would smile, nod, make a dumb joke and pretend nothing had happened, without losing a single word about Naminé. And so it happened.

“I guess Saïx didn't give you any better of a time while I was gone, eh?”

“Very funny. He despises me on a level I don't even understand. If Lord Xemnas let him, he'd probably just kill me or something.”

“Mh, yeah, probably. But Saïx doesn't like anyone, it isn't personal. You probably have it worst because we're so dependent on you, so you can't just be substituted if you do something wrong.”

That was something Roxas had noticed while slacking off from his missions a few weeks ago. He was still, what was it? _The key_ or something like that, and until they found someone else with the same power, getting rid of him was probably out of the question.

“Well, that is until you find someone else with a keyblade, right?”

He was probably pushing his luck, but there were others out there, and he wanted to know how much Axel knew. There was Riku, for example, although Roxas was pretty sure that he wouldn't help the Organization anytime soon.

“Someone else? Are we still talking about some dreams? There's no one else with the same power. If there were, Xemnas would've long tried to recruit them. Unless you're hiding something.”

Axel was grinning again, so he obviously didn't really mean it, but Roxas still thought he noticed an ounce of fear right where his heart should be. It was unbearable.

“I guess you're right. It just feels so unreal to be the only person with a keyblade, you know? Like...there _have_ to be more people somewhere, and if he finds them...”

He didn't finish the sentence, and instead got to his feet.

“Sorry, I guess I haven't had anyone to talk to in way too long. I bet nothing I say makes sense to you.”

“Nah, it's alright, buddy!”

Roxas suppressed a scornful hiss. He was lying to Axel, manipulating him for information, trying to meet someone behind the Organization's back who could get him out of here.

Nothing had ever been less _alright_ than it was right now. And if he knew anything, then it was that this was a downright spiral he could not flee from. It would only get worse. More lies, more manipulation. More training to face Riku, if he ever managed to find him. More strength to get some answers and finally be free.

“Yeah, probably.”

 

Roxas didn't really see or talk to anyone in almost a week after that day, not even Axel. The only interactions he had were when he had to ask Saïx for new missions, or when someone in a world he visited thanked him for defeating some heartless.

It was monotone, and thus the exact thing he needed to not think about anything. He didn't have to think that someone with a heart would feel bad for anything that he did, because the only thing he did do – at least so he thought – was defeating some threats and collecting their hearts. That wasn't bad, was it?

But without a real purpose behind it, he knew it would, at some point, make him freak out. Why was he doing this again? To get stronger. To face Riku. How? Where?

He had been thinking about returning to the islands where Naminé had led him before, but whenever the thought crossed his mind, it didn't quite feel right.

Riku had told him that he had stolen someone's memories to find that place. Of course that wasn't true, and Roxas knew that, but that was the only thing he was sure of.

He recalled hearing Riku's voice and immediately knowing, _remembering_ him, his name, as if they knew each other, even though they didn't, and it scared him.

“Is it possible for me to be scared?” he wondered, because all he knew was that he wasn't supposed to feel anything. He was a nobody. No heart. That was the first thing he remembered having been told, and it had to be true, right?

He looked at the Shadow jumping in his direction. What if it wasn't true? What if they had…

_I saw her in one of my dreams._

The Shadow knocked him off his feet, and he didn't think he was able to fight back. He had lied to Axel. Lied to get what he wanted.

So what if everyone else had lied to him as well?

He threw the Shadow off, got up and destroyed it. For the first time ever, things started making sense. He lowered his keyblade, looked at all the heartless further away, and decided that he didn't _care._

It was such an emotional decision that he wasn't sure if he could actually make it, but he did. He shook his head, turned around and left the world through a corridor of darkness. And never had he been more certain of where he would go.


	6. Incomplete

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoever gets the small Xion reference at the end of the chapter...uh...deserves a really big cookie!

There was nothing like the gentle breeze caressing his hair, he decided within a flash. All despair fell off of Roxas's _heart_ when he was able to feel it again, and able to accept it as _feeling_ good.

At this point, sitting on this weird tree, there was nothing he cared about. He probably wouldn't even care if Riku showed up and dared to put an end to him right here and now.

But instead, the footsteps that approached him shortly after were small, silent and he knew who it was before she came to a halt.

“Who...are you?”

He tore his eyes from the horizon, the setting sun, and looked up to meet with another face he had seen before, even though she didn't look the same as in his dream.

“I...it's difficult. My name is Roxas. You're Kairi, right?”

She nodded slightly, but kept her distance. Of course, he couldn't blame her for it. This island seemed uninhabited, and he didn't have a boat, so of course she asked herself how he got here.

“I wish I could explain anything to you, but I don't understand what's going on. I don't even really know why I'm here. It just...felt right.”

She snickered a bit, then decided to sit down next to him. It should probably feel weird, but Roxas didn't mind, as her connection to Sora seemed equally strong as Riku's, but she wasn't nearly as hostile about it.

“You remind me of someone...one of my best friends,” she admitted, and now it was his turn to chuckle a bit. Maybe he wasn't the only one confused by this whole situation.

“So... _any_ idea why you came here? What made it feel right?”

In all honesty, he hadn't asked himself that before, and usually wouldn't even mind finding an answer, probably, but talking to her felt...easy. Manageable.

“That's a weird question, somehow...I don't know. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that this place feels like...home.”

_Imposter._

Had he passively stolen someone's memories to think that way? Was Riku right about his accusations? None of it made sense.

“But somehow, I also feel like that's not true. Like I've never been here before. But I know your name, and I also knew Riku's.”

“Riku? You met Riku?!”

Her shock surprised him a bit, as he was sure Kairi and Riku were good friends, too. Was he hiding from her?

“Err, yeah. It wasn't for long though and he wasn't half as nice as you are. He seems to know more about all of this, that's why I need to see him again. Just this time, I have to be...”

Before he could say more, he understood the uncertainty in her eyes, and suddenly, the thought of saying that he had to be _stronger_ than Riku, didn't feel quite right anymore. She didn't want to hear about fighting Riku, obviously, especially not when it was a stranger who said it.

“I didn't know you weren't in contact. I wish I could tell you anything, but I don't know where he is now. Just that he's after me.”

“That's about right, _fake_.”

He flinched, then jumped right to his feet. Just like the last time, he hadn't heard Riku approach, but maybe he had just appeared behind the two of them. Before Roxas was able to say a word, though, Kairi jumped up, too.

“Riku! What's going on here? Where have you _been_ all this time?!”

She sounded hurt, and for some reason, it hurt Roxas as well. He felt a bit like crying, for this girl he didn't even know, but of course he needed to keep it together.

“It's hard to explain.”

“You could try! You don't show up for months, and now that you do, it's...like this! Why do both you _and_ Sora always leave me behind?!”

It was painful to watch, and while this would've been the best moment for a sneak attack, Roxas found himself unable to move.

“I'll tell you later, but for now, step aside.”

Riku summoned his keyblade, quite obviously ready to attack Roxas first, but before anything could happen, Kairi stepped right between both of them.

“I won't!”

“Kairi...”

“No, Riku! This always results in the same end of the path. We don't talk to each other, the three of us, and something bad happens. I know it happened with you and Sora, and it also happened before we wanted to leave the islands. I am sure that, whatever you're doing, you can spare a few minutes to include me, after both of you ditched me here for _months!”_

Roxas was facing her back, but when she hung her head, he was pretty much assured that she was crying. Somehow, her feelings were relatable even to him. When his colleagues had been obliterated, it had left him even emptier than he usually felt, and he didn't even like them much. Losing one's best friends, and both of them at once, as it seemed...just the thought made him feel miserable for her.

“I see. He has already manipulated your thoughts.”

“No one has...Riku, no!”

But before she could finish the sentence, he had already disappeared through a corridor of darkness.

Now what exactly had that been? Roxas wasn't an expert on people or emotions, but that was weird and wrong even to him, and he wished that he knew something to cheer Kairi up.

“I am sorry for this,” he muttered, not sure if it would make anything better.

“None of it is your fault. I don't know what happened to Riku, but it scares me.”

She sat back down on the tree, wiped away her tears and tried to force her smile back up. Roxas felt how hard she was trying, and he admired her effort. She was so collected about seemingly losing one of her best friends.

“I'm scared, too,” he admitted, sitting back down next to her. “And, you know? I'm starting to feel like he is, too. But he won't let me try to...explain myself? Not that I _could_ explain much. But I have a lot of questions and doubts, as well.”

She obviously didn't know what to reply, and was still visibly confused and shocked. They sat in silence, none of them sure of what to say. It had a similar vibe to spending time with Axel. Complete silence, no _real_ need to talk about anything. Just knowing that the other was still there was sometimes enough.

“You know,” he tore his look from the horizon when she spoke up again. “I'm curious about something.”

And for some reason, he just knew what she was going to ask, so he shook his head before she could.

“Let me guess. It's about Sora, huh?”

“Don't tell me you met him, too!”

He shook his head again, although part of him was happy that he could. She would be heartbroken by the possibility of Sora discarding her as well, that much he understood.

“No, I'm sorry. But I knew you were going to ask about him, because most of the...well, I don't even know. Dreams? Memories? Whatever it is that's going on in my head – whenever he's there, you or Riku are as well; or all of you, of course.”

She chuckled slightly, and that seemed to be a lot less forced than her smile before that. Roxas was glad, because seeing her sad somehow made him sad as well. Was that normal?

“I'm glad to hear that. I'm still confused, though. I mean, it's not a coincidence that you're tied to Sora, right?”

He raised an eyebrow, completely at loss for what her words were supposed to mean. _Tied_ to Sora? In what kind of way? And why would it not be coincidence?

“Well, uh,” she narrowed her eyebrows, apparently not so sure about her own thoughts anymore. “It just occurred to me that your names are so similar, you know.”

Without any kind of warning, he got a throbbing headache, so painful that it almost made him double over.

_Imposter._

No, Riku was lying!

_Fake._

But what if he wasn't? Why didn't Roxas remember anything from his past, and why had he been given a name by Lord Xemnas?

From all that Axel had told him, a nobody was supposed to remember what it was like to be complete. Inherit the memories, feelings and wishes. But Roxas didn't, except for a few bits and pieces that haunted him in his dreams.

Why, and in what way, was he different? He knew that he was not Sora, even though he started suspecting that he was _supposed_ to be.

He remembered a bit of what Axel had told him. Nobodies like them were born by the leftover body of someone who got turned into a heartless. Heartless didn't usually have a mind on their own, and that was probably why, at some point, the nobody regained the memories of who they were before.

But for some reason, Roxas hadn't regained anything.

He let go of his head, not even having noticed that he was holding it with both hands. It was only then that he noticed that Kairi had put a hand on his shoulder and was seemingly worried.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes…no. Can I ask you something? It's probably going to sound dumb, and I-”

“You can.”

Her words were definitive, as if whatever he needed to know, she would try to help, even if the question was weird or confusing. He couldn't imagine ever meeting someone as kind as her...except for Naminé, maybe.

“How long has it been since you last saw Sora?”

Kairi gave him a confused look, but looked up to the sky smiling right afterwards, and said:

“It's been fifty-five days now.”

_Fifty-five._

Roxas counted the days he'd been in the Organization. He'd slept for twenty-four days, and twenty-one days later, today, Axel had returned. That added to the twenty-six days before his long slumber…

Made seventy-one! Which, obviously, meant that he and Sora had existed alongside each other, so even if their names were awfully similar, it didn't mean anything. Right?

“Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the question, but...what made you ask?”

Should he tell her? He was sure she had no idea about nobodies, and explaining the concept when he, himself, hardly understood it either, would be quite difficult.

But somehow, looking at her, at the way she smiled, nodded, as if she knew about all his worries and fears, gave him an unknown feeling of safety, and he just couldn't bring himself not to do it. After all, she already felt left behind by her best friends. Would it be fair if he asked her questions and didn't answer any himself?

“People like me...we're born when a strong heart gets lost to the darkness. We are...well, you could say we're the leftover body, inheriting the person's emotions and memories, while the heartless acts driven by instinct to get its heart back. Does that make sense?”

She needed a moment, but then nodded slowly. It looked like she _could_ make a sense out of it, but none that actually worked with any knowledge that she had.

“And you...think you might be the nobody born of Sora?”

“No, at least not anymore. You see, it doesn't fit. I was born weeks before you last saw Sora, so even if you don't know where he is, that wouldn't make sense.”

While this explanation seemed flawless to him, she didn't seem like she was sure about it.

“No, it's not that easy, Roxas.”

Now it was his turn to give her a questioning look, and hers to not know how to word her thoughts. But it didn't matter. All of what had happened here had given him a lot more answers than anything he could remember.

“Sora _was_ a heartless. However, it was only for a short period of time. So short, in fact, that it didn't influence any of his memories. He returned as the Sora I knew before. That was a little more than two weeks before we parted.”

_Pain._

It was a weird sensation, right where his heart should be. It hurt, made him feel emptier than he ever had before. Being a nobody was one thing. However, Axel and the rest...they all had hopes of being complete again one day, right?

But if Sora, even though Roxas remembered a few of the things that he had experienced, was already whole, then…

What would happen to him when Kingdom Hearts was complete? Would he forever be like this? A nobody, haunted by the thoughts and memories of someone else, remembering people who didn't know him.

Alone?

“Roxas?”

He felt a hand on his cheek before noticing that a tear had left his eye. It was pathetic, wasn't it?

“I'm sorry,” he muttered, looking down at the sand to their feet. For a short, way too short time, things had finally made sense. Started to look up. But now, he was back to the start.

No one would remember him. Maybe, he thought, completing Kingdom Hearts would just cause him to disappear without a trace. Maybe then, Riku and Sora would come back to the islands and their lives would continue like they had been before.

“What happens to a nobody whose original being is already complete? Will I forever stay like this? Will I always be…”

_Broken?_

Kairi didn't answer, but he didn't blame her. All of this was new to her, and how was she supposed to know what he should do now?

Whatever fate had in stall for him, whatever he might never be able to flee from – for now, all that mattered was the comfort she spent him, wordlessly pulling him into a soothing hug without saying a single word, without asking anything of him.

One day, he would get the answers he craved, needed and feared. Until then, he would hope for this moment to stay, maybe for days, maybe forever.

_As long as it can._


	7. Conflict

Not knowing where to search for answers, Roxas found himself returning to collecting hearts more easily than he would've liked to. It was really the only purpose his life seemed to have, and the constant fear of either being obliterated by the Organization or captured and killed by Riku both made him feel like he'd lose his mind if he didn't occupy himself with something.

Even though Axel was back, they had hardly really talked to each other, let alone spent time together. Other than Axel being unnaturally busy lately, Roxas didn't feel like spending time with him. They'd lied to each other, and as far as he knew, that was nothing that friends should do. Were they really friends? He figured that the easiest way to find out would be to just ask Axel to have ice cream together again, and straight-up ask.

The only reason he didn't do that was probably that the possible answer scared him. Because if they weren't really friends...was there even anyone left for him? Everyone else had their own things to deal with, memories and feelings to keep and form in the future. Roxas absolutely didn't feel like he fit into the picture with anyone.

Sure, Kairi had offered him to help – begged, actually, as being left behind by Sora and Riku meant spending the days on the islands not only bored but also _scared_.

But no matter how much Roxas understood her desire to find answers, because really, it was all that kept him occupied as well...he just couldn't. The thought of putting her in danger, not even knowing where to look and for _what_ exactly, was simply too risky. He didn't want her to get harmed. If anyone, she was who had treated him the most understandingly so far, and she didn't deserve the pain of going through this mess of unanswered questions.

Then there was Naminé. He hadn't seen her again, and considering how scared she had been of being found, that was probably for her best. The problem, though, was that she was the most likely to have proper answers to what exactly was going on, and without those, what was he supposed to do?

He wouldn't even start thinking about Riku. Their conversation on the islands was still highly confusing. Something Sora had said before…

Sure, the pieces started to fit in line. Roxas wasn't an idiot; the possibility of him _not_ being heavily connected to Sora were getting ridiculously low. Even the chance of him not being the boy's Nobody were reaching new lows with every day.

And now, when he was sitting at the clock tower on his own, watching the sun set calmly in the distance, it was even worse. Memories from the past wanted to flood him. Spending time with Riku and Kairi on the islands. Racing over the islands daily, and losing almost every single time.

_No._

He knew that none of these were his, and wished for a way to make it stop, but even just thinking about that made it all worse.

“Why do I feel like I miss you two so much?”

It didn't make sense, and even though he knew that, the feeling wouldn't vanish. And with it, tears running down his face, reminding him of his how really all of this was, even though it shouldn't be.

 

“Hey, Roxas! How about doing missions together today?”

Never had he felt more like screaming  _NO_ , but since he still felt like he needed to talk to Axel about what was going on, he decided that now would be the best time for it.

“Sure, why not.”

All things considered, they still performed well together. Even if their personal relationship was kind of damaged lately, Roxas felt that he could trust Axel at least in battle. That was more than nothing, huh?

But that still didn't make him feel less terrible about faking all this friendly attitude, especially after they finished their missions and finally had the time to talk.

“I've been wondering, Axel.”

Roxas stared at the ice cream in his hands, not really finding joy in the taste lately. It was too sweet, and definitely too salty. Was he getting sick?

The redhead raised an eyebrow in response, way too obviously trying to seem casual and not worried about things. It was a bit annoying, but at the same time made Roxas feel a little less bad about being a liar himself.

“What will happen to _me_ after I gathered enough hearts for Kingdom Hearts?”

There was a break – way too long to fool him into believing any of the words Axel said right after it.

“What do you mean? You know that. Kingdom Hearts will give us all hearts again.”

“That's a lie, and you and me both know that!”

Oh, come on, why would I lie to you? What are you talking about, man?”

He leaned back and closed his eyes. So that was how it was. Maybe playing the idiot was not good enough anymore. It did nothing but hurt, and the truth mattered more to him than keeping up a fake friendship.

“Alright already. If you don't want to tell me the truth – someone else will. Someone has to have the answers! That'll be the person I trust!”

And without even looking at the sunset a last time, without caring about Axel pleading him to stay and hear him out, he left.

 

He only remembered how beautiful the islands were during sunset when he was finally able to see it again.

_No_ , he thought.  _It's not a memory. At least not mine._

With Axel officially out of the queue of people who might possibly tell him the truth, there really wasn't much left.

Naminé, sure. He could try to call out for her again, if he truly saw no other way, but it would definitely be his last choice.

So for now, he would go for the other thing that came to mind; the one he'd been trying to avoid, because unlike with Kairi, Sora's memories and his own feelings about Riku heavily collided, causing him a decent headache whenever he even dared to think about him.

He got unexpectedly...lucky, he supposed. Riku was actually here, seemingly watching the sunset, sitting on the tree in the exact way that the memories inside Roxas portrayed it. It was  _creepy._

“I didn't think I would find you so easily.”

The reaction came immediately, with Riku jumping from the tree and backing away a bit.

“Find _me_? Seems like you've gone nuts, offering yourself on a silver plate like this.”

“I'm not here to fight you. Yet.”

To prove that as much as he could, Roxas raised his hands a little, which would make summoning his keyblade secretly absolutely impossible. 

“And what makes you think I won't fight _you_ anyway?”

“Because you're stubborn, Riku. You've always been the one to question things, right? Way more than-”

He stopped himself from mixing up himself with Sora in just the last second.

“Him.”

And Riku noticed it quite visibly, clenching his fists and shaking his head. At least his facial expressions were still hidden by the hood, so Roxas wasn't quite sure if he should prepare to be attacked soon.

“Sora. So what Diz said is true.”

That name was entirely foreign to him, but it meant that he was right. Riku _did_ know some things that he himself didn't, and maybe he was the only one who could give some real answers.

“What?!”

“You really are...his Nobody.”

This time it was Roxas's turn to back away. Up until now, he had managed to look confident, but now he couldn't stop himself from dropping his gaze. _What Diz said is true._ So not only he had come to this conclusion, but other people as well. If the chances for it to be true had been low before, they were basically non-existent now.

“Yeah, that's...that's really the only explanation I was able to come up with as well.”

He looked up again, now finally determined.

“That's why I needed to find you, Riku. Whenever things seem like they start to make sense, the answers slip from my grasp right away. I need to know...why I exist. What purpose I serve. And what will happen to me if I go on.”

The following silence was painfully long. So long, indeed, that it almost felt like time was standing still. Had he said too much? Then, eventually, Riku did answer.

“Why are you so insistent on trying to make me believe you had feelings?”

_Of course,_ Roxas thought.  _He's been fed the exact same lies as me._

“Because it's the truth.”

“You're a Nobody. You-”

“Not able to feel, all memories from our past lives. Is that it? Because you couldn't be any more wrong.”

He had had doubts about this from the get-go. If he didn't have a heart, why was he able to feel joy, laugh, but also cry and be sad?

But now, more than ever, did he knew that it was simply _wrong._

“Why would I believe that?”

“Sora and I have very conflicting feelings for you. And I feel them both. How do I do that, if none of these are mine?”

“You could still be tricking me.”

He rolled his eyes. On one hand, it was very understandable that Riku had doubts – who wouldn't, really? But why would he, what was it? Offer himself on a silver plate, obviously the weaker one of them, if none of this were true?

“And what reason do I have for that? I don't even know what I really am, let alone what cause to fight for! All I know is that Sora's memories of both you and Kairi are the only things that make this constant confusion and pain bearable! If there's really only one person in the world I can trust, then that's easily you!”

_Too much._

He hung his head, realizing that he had given in to what wasn't his.

_Way too much._

It was the truth, and everything he had wanted to deny so far. Being scared of Riku, hating him for putting the blame on  him ...it all meant absolutely  _nothing_ in the face of the deep, undying trust, admiration and  _love_ that his conflicted mind wanted him to feel.

“Are you...crying?”

He was, yet again, and it was nowhere near as calmly as when Kairi had been there, or  when he'd been alone  on the clock tower.

This whole mess of emotions he shouldn't feel and memories that were both true and false were just _too much_ to take, and were what ultimately made him drop to his knees, giving in to the uncontrolled sobbing and desperate crying for salvation.

_Let it end._


	8. Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another shorty. ;_; Someday, they'll get longer...I hope.

It was weird, going back to the headquarters as if nothing had happened, even though Roxas knew he had just now entirely dismissed his entire affiliation to _any_ of them.

He was through with being used by people he didn't even feel like he should know.

Riku had been surprisingly patient with him. Not exactly big on cheering him up, mind you, but understanding and willing to at least consider him telling the truth – realizing that, really, why _would_ he lie?

They had parted ways rather weirdly, each of them stuck with their own trust issues and no real plan what to do now. For the most part, Roxas would probably wait, go back to writing in his diary and collect as many hearts as needed to not be suspicious.

Riku had said that he would ask Naminé about what they should do now, although apparently it was hard to get to her without that Diz-guy around. Roxas already hated him with a deep passion.

But even if he had to wait, this was a lot better than nothing. At least one less person was trying to get the best of him, and he started to believe that the Organization still needed him too much to just obliterate him – otherwise, why _hadn't_ they already done that?

 

It took days until he realized that Axel hadn't been around at all lately. Or maybe he had, and Roxas just hadn't seen him, but that wasn't too likely. He had carried out his missions as thoroughly as possible, and spent the rest of his days in the headquarters mostly.

On one hand, Riku had said he probably wouldn't be successful with anything too soon, but if Roxas were to be honest to himself, he was just scared. What if he did meet Naminé, and all she'd have to tell him was _“You're going to vanish once Sora returns”_? He didn't think he was ready to hear something like that – he didn't think he would _ever_ be.

So hiding in his room – from the Organization, from Axel and his crumbling friendship and from the truths Riku would confront him with one day or another – had been the only logical thing to him.

_Today makes 96_ , Roxas started writing in his journal, and listed the events of the day in it. He'd been fighting a few rather strong heartless, and with each passing day, he noticed how he was getting a lot stronger by doing so. Things that he wouldn't have considered facing months ago suddenly felt so weirdly easy.

Of course he didn't mind that, at all, because it meant that  _if_ he ended up having to fight for his life, he would at least stand a small chance, depending on who his final opponent was going to be.  He surely wasn't going to go down without a fight.

 

There was a surprise waiting for him the next time he went to visit the Destiny Islands. Not only was he lucky enough to encounter Riku there – Kairi was present, too.

“You two made up?” Roxas found himself asking a bit sheepishly while approaching, which caused Kairi to jump up and walk over to him with the hugest smile on her face. Somehow, it made him happy to see her like that, and it wasn't only because of how much she meant to Sora.

“It's been a toughie, but I'm not one to give up so easily!” 

She started mumbling quietly so Riku couldn't hear.

“I didn't get too much out of him yet, though.”

Roxas chuckled a bit at that, since he hadn't, either. It was a bit weird to be with them here, as if he was trying to replace Sora – which he wasn't. His mind was flooded by memories of sitting right here, on the paopu tree, smiling as the sun rose and set every single day, wondering if…

He reached for his head because the though gave him a severe headache. Was this feeling his or Sora's?

The thought of there having to be a greater purpose in life than spending each and every day doing the same things all over, unaware if it would eventually even mean anything. It felt like it was Sora's memory, but it also applied well to how Roxas was feeling about himself.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah. I...I'm...”

“I managed to talk to Naminé.”

Riku spoke for the first time, and he didn't bother turning around. For whatever reason, he was  _still_ wearing the coat's hood, as if he was hiding something from the rest of them. But there was no reason to, right?

While being eager to know what this meant, Roxas was also scared, and not sure if he should ask to hear more. The chance of it being what he didn't want to hear was too big, and there would be no going back. He watched Kairi raise an eyebrow, because this was surely news to her, and Riku hadn't let her in on what was going on.

“She said, given enough time…she might be able to untangle Sora's memories from yours.”

That…didn't help at all, somehow. It meant that he wasn't just leftovers of what Sora had been, sure, but it still didn't explain what would happen to him if Naminé managed to do that.

“What about…me?”

“She doesn't know yet. But if what you said to me is true, maybe you really do have your own heart. If that is true, you should be able to live on even if Sora returns. However...”

_Of course there has to be a restriction_ , Roxas thought.  _Why would anything ever be easy?_

“Naminé still hasn't finished bringing the memories of Sora that he still has in the right order. And when she has, she would have to work on yours as well.”

“So?”

“Diz won't allow that.”

Diz… _Diz!_ Just hearing that name made Roxas indescribably mad. Who was that guy and why was he so eager on destroying everything? They hadn't even ever met, and none of what Roxas remembered about Sora rang a bell about the name.

“What have I ever done to him?! It's not-”

“He simply doesn't care about you. And retrieving Sora's memories from you like that would take significantly longer than just...”

Riku fell silent. Maybe he didn't want to say it out loud because Kairi was here, or maybe he at least had that level of decency in him. After all, he didn't seem to care about Nobodies much either, at least he hadn't shown signs of genuine care for Naminé, yet. Whatever it was, it was maddening. If he planned to go through with his original plan, then he could at least admit it.

“Oh, just say it! Longer than just obliterating me, because my life has no meaning in the face of Sora's! Is that it?!”

“Exactly.”

The obnoxity of Riku not having even the slightest care made Roxas want to scream, cry and fight. What did it matter if he lost, if the only people he hoped he could trust either couldn't help him or simply didn't _care_?!

“Riku, don't say something like that.”

“But it's true, Kairi. Would you really pick him over Sora?”

She looked shocked and shook her head. Of course she wouldn't. After all Sora was her childhood friend, and Roxas was just…

Just a Nobody.

“I would never pick _anyone_ over Sora. But I won't approve of you taking someone's life to wake him up, either. Especially if there is another way.”

Finally, _finally_ Riku lost his annoying cool and got up from the tree as well to face them. It was a bit weird, how Kairi seemed to be standing between them, as if she was trying to keep them from fighting. She was too nice for her own good.

“It's alright, Kairi”, Roxas found himself saying. “If he wants a fight, let him bring it.”

She didn't move, didn't even answer, seemingly determined on not letting them fight, but that didn't stop Riku from getting closer and slightly shoving her out of the way. He was visibly mad, but instead of going for a fight, he just grabbed Roxas's coat by the neck and pulled him in close enough that it was scary.

“Don't you dare give me that,” Riku started, sounding more hurt than angry.

“If I had this the way I want, none of this would have even happened to Sora. If I could, I would just knock you out right now and _force_ you to return to him.”

“Do it then, you coward!”

He threw Roxas to the ground roughly and clenched his fists. Whatever he had been hiding all this time was finally surfacing, and somehow, it wasn't as pleasing to see him suffer as Roxas wished it were.

“I can't. Whenever I try…I don't care if you're doing this on purpose, but you are. My memories, my feelings that should be for Sora…they're getting messed up, more and more with each passing day. Kairi feels it, too, even though she doesn't blame you.”

“It's not his fault!”

“I don't care whose fault it is! Do you want to wait for the day when we don't even remember his _name_ anymore?”

“No, of course not! But if this girl says she has a plan, we just need to get her somewhere safe so she can work on that!”

Roxas stopped listening and sat up a bit. Their memories were getting…messed up? So he wasn't the only one who didn't know what was right and what was wrong anymore, then.

“Please, stop fighting,” he eventually said and cause them to both look at him. This was the last thing he wanted. Even if he _obviously_ didn't do it on purpose, he was the one keeping Sora from them already. Being responsible for them fighting as well…no, he just couldn't. He pulled himself up to his feet and wiped some sand off of his coat.

“You're right, Riku. I shouldn't have these memories, and my existence shouldn't mess with both of yours. But I can't change it, and I hope you don't expect me to just give up and let you take my life.”

“I don't.”

Riku sighed and turned back to the setting sun, as if it reminded him of something that mattered.

“But if we can't find a way for Naminé to work on your memories without Diz interfering, I won't have a choice. No hard feelings, but if it's between you and Sora, you know I won't hesitate.”

And even though it hurt, somewhere deep in his heart, in ways that he wouldn't have been able to explain – Roxas just nodded. Because he could never live up to be as good or valuable as Sora. He would never mean the same to anyone, or be someone's priority if they had to choose.

“Of course you won't.”


End file.
